You hear a lot of nonsense about the world of dominants and submissives - and make up even more in our heads. Our writer Abi Brown looks at what she wishes she'd known as a new BDSM submissive.
1. That list of limits you just wrote is nonsense.
I was massively preoccupied with kink for months after my first few experiences. I read endless online forums, looked up every book I could, spent hours hunting for oblique references in mainstream media. At some point during all this, I decided that I was going to write my own lists of hard and soft limits as a LiveJournal post.
I still have those lists, and you know what? They are abject nonsense. Not only have I since done and enjoyed almost every single goddamn thing on them, but I have also - of course - since figured out what my limits actually are. They’re mostly things I hadn’t even heard of or considered as a new BDSM submissive.
2. Kink does not come with a uniform
Here’s a secret for you: I kind of hate latex. Plenty of people look amazing in it, of course, but I am not one of them. It mostly just makes me hot and uncomfortable. The texture of rubber makes my skin crawl a bit, and not in the good way many people describe. I never cared much for PVC, either. On the other hand, I look amazing in a pair of fully fashioned silk stockings and a bullet bra.
As a new BDSM submissive, it took me a while to be alright with this. I spent a few years feeling as though I needed to find a way to make traditional fetishwear work for me, just because everyone else seemed so into it. However, this is nonsense and thankfully in the intervening years, I’ve managed to do a decent job of embracing my own kinky look.
3. Be careful what you do with candle wax
In general, I’m a lot more into psychological BDSM than I am straightforward sensation play, but one of the few exceptions to that is candle wax. I’m not sure what it is about it, but I really like it. You know what I really don’t like, though? Dealing with all the fucking candle wax bits afterward. It gets everywhere; in the sheets; on the carpet, attached to bits of hair it’s no fun to pull them out of...I could have saved myself a lot of boring cleaning work if as a new BDSM submissive I'd learned sooner to put a goddamn towel down.
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Ready and waiting...but how much does a new BDSM submissive really know?
4. You are not a switch; stop trying, it’s embarrassing
My friends are, by and large, all switches. While that’s less true now than it was then, back in the day I basically didn’t know anybody who didn’t turn the tables occasionally. I somehow got this idea in my head that that’s how it works. It’s a shame I came to this conclusion, really, because it’s bullshit, and I still wince a bit when I recall my clumsy new BDSM submissive attempts at making it happen.
5. Masochism is not a competition
Submissives can be a surprisingly competitive bunch. It’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering how you measure up. Moreover, it’s easy for a new BDSM submissive to want to be the hardest on the block. Someone who thinks nothing of being caned till they bleed in the middle of a dungeon party while everyone looks on impressed.
But most of us aren’t that sub - or at least not all the time - and even the people who are, have things they can’t take much of or don’t enjoy. For example, they also have days they don’t cope well with that level of impact play. People’s pain thresholds vary on a daily basis, not to mention being drastically different for different kinds of pain. Any Dom who is more concerned with how much force they’re inflicting than they are with the effect it has on you can fuck off.
6. It’s basically all okay, and it’s never just you
I have a huge thing for being talked to a lot. A Dom who doesn’t tire of using their voice liberally and often is a really important thing for me. Indeed, I sometimes find it difficult to keep my head fully in the game without it, but done right a frequent stream of whispered filth does things to me almost too good to describe.
For some reason, this was the thing that brand 'new sub me' was worried would be too weird to admit to. I was getting comfortable with the idea of floggers and handcuffs and paddles and candles, hell yes, but telling someone that I’d like it if they called me a dirty slut while they did it all? Oh, god, whatever would they think of me!